Enjoy
(Talking about looking through your phone book on your cell) "They suck, they're sleeping, they're sleeping, nah, nope, they suck... then you pick the one that sucks the least and call them. They'll do for now."
"This is a song about lies and cheating and espianoge... just kidding." (before You're Body Is A Wonderland)
"Before i sing this next song i'd like to discuss a very serious topic. i fucking LOVE porno!.
"Who needs prozac when you've got Arizona Iced Tea?"
"Let me just get this off my chest... I f*cking love porno!" then went into a big speech about how little boys should find they're first porno and the internet is ruining it. He suggested everyone go out and buy a Hustler, roll it in the dirt, and plant it in the back of some elementary school to promote the real way to find porn.
"You know when you buy a 12 inch sub, and you can't eat it all? 6 inches is too small... 12 too big. When you measure the uneaten sub it comes out to about 3 inches. They should make 9 inch subs. 9 is the new 12"
"My phone never rings...its just has the low battery sound."
"Don't you hate that f**cking voice mail lady? I want to beat the s**t out of her."
"This is the finest city on the tour so far....lots of fine girls. I bet it's great to be a milkman in the state of Kansas. There's probably a waiting list to be a UPS guy in Kansas. If there is, I think I'll change jobs."
Right before playing "Come Back To Bed", "First time you ask her whats wrong.. 'nothing'. and then the second time you ask her she says 'nothing' and then the third time 'nothing'. and you know its not over yet because its only 2 am and this shit is gonna last till 4"
"Forget Charley, watch out for hurricane Johnny! You know, everybody loves the hurricane cause its not terrorism. It's not blowin shit up, its just blowin shit over...with water! Even the newscasters can't get enough of it, they're like 'stay tuned for the new pictures of all the stuff the water blew over!'"
"Ok since almost all of the songs I've played so far have been about love your probably wondering what is wrong with me. For the most part I need a girlfriend or something. I cry when I see couples, and I'm not sure if any of you have seen this commercial but There is that one Coke commercial where the guy is talking and he is like 'When I first met her she had the most gorgous panties I had ever seen, but now, when I look in the hamper, her panties look like my mothers'. That is the grossest thing ever but I started crying cause I want that. Sometimes when I'm not on tour I will watch my friend's pets, at least then I have some company. I just really want a hot girl's company!!"
After messing up one of his songs John said "How f***ing stupid am I? I can't remember the words to my own songs, yet I can remember every video game song ever!?!?!" Then he played The Super Mario Brothers Theme song.
"I wrote most of these songs in my alone in my underwhere."
"Wow, you sing like angels" - after the audience sang along with him to a song
"You know...when you get that thing where a bit of snot comes out of your nose...and it feels like it's down here (points to upper lip) but in reality, it's really still up there (points to nose). You know what I mean? You can get a bunch of crusty junk up there in the lower nose area and no one would ever see. Well, 90% of the time the snot just ends up there. The only reason I bring this up is that that happened to me...just now, when I was singing the third line of that last song. Did any of you see it?"
"This morning I was awaken only byt the urgent need to pee.. may you have many more days like that this summer."
When talking about the havoc wrecked on the diaphragm when performing in such a high altitude, John said "What the hell. Jesus is my oxygen tank!" - When introducing Your Body is a wonderland: "This song is the reason I can't go into bars anymore."
"Some guys use this song to seal the deal, but I never have." right before singing "Your Body Is A Wonderland."
"I wrote this song in my underwear for no one." (Talking about "Your Body Is A Wonderland")
"Hey I'm not wearing any underwear!" Crowd screams, John shows a little of his boxers and says "haha, I was just lying, these balls are dry"
"Ya know I don't get to say this enough but, I have a new album coming out soon. And we sent it to a lab to see if there was any suck on it and after 36 hours of testing, it suck-free!"
Right before playing "Comfortable" for his encore: "I haven't played this song in a long time, but I really wanna play it tonight, so even if I mess up just pretend I'm still the coolest motherfucker around!"
"When I stop singing from the heart, I don't know...I guess I'll write jingles (starts to sing) Tampons...Ohh Tampons."
"I'm glad you can sit here with me and listen to my bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry to the parents out there for saying bullshit. But you know what? It's my fucking show."
"I want everyone to put their thumb and forefinger together and measure my head. If your fingers are actually touching, I want to thank you for coming."
"I usually don't sing happy birthday but it's kind of hard to ignore the big pink sign infront of me, so happy birthday Jocelyn. You know I don't wanna become like Fridays where I come out and sing happy birthday and Dave and I start smakin eachothers asses."
"Okay, lets play what was John thinking during 'No Such Thing'. I was thinking about message boards. I usually don't go on message boards. I'm really a porn affcionado. At least it's consistant." John after messing up on "No Such Thing"
» Knoxville, TX (Credit: Amanda & Maureen)
Just before singing No Such Thing, "You see, when you write a song that a lot of people know, you can ramble on about anything before you start to play it. Like right now I could discuss feline herpes with you, and nobody would care."
"So I had a dream last night where all I did was drink chocolate milk. And then I woke up this morning and I really f***in' wanted some chocolate milk. So we get here today and NO S*** theres like 3 gallons of milk on the lunch table next to this jumbo sized Hershey's chocolate jug. So I drank like a gallon. That's why I'm so f***ing happy tonight. CHOCOLATE MILK ROCKS!!" John later came out for the encore with a cup of milk, a hershey's bottle and a spoon mixing himself some chocolate milk.
"Thank you all so so much for coming. And hey, you guys (points to the lawn section) that are watching me on these screens, not onstage? Thank you guys even more. But hey, maybe act a little sooner next time, hmm?"
» Marysville, CA 7/14/04 (Credit: Jacqueline)
Between songs, someone yelled out "We love you John!" and he said "I love you too...women!"
During Homelife before he sings "I can tell you this much, I will marry just once..." he said, "this is the truth!"
"I brushed my teeth right before I came out on stage. I'm a big tooth guy. I want my breath minty fresh. It feels like I'm on a date."
"Osaka, Japan, say hellow to Dela!" Then after the next song he said, "Being on the road can be rough and tumble, and someone backstage just informed me that this isn't Osaka, Japan - we're in Indianapolis!"
"Much respect to the lawnies."
John introducing 'Bigger Than My Body', "Even if you know what you want to do with your life, there is no next day delivery service for it"
» Indianapolis, IN (Credit: Melissa)
The concert took place in the pouring rain. "You know, the only difference with being in the rain is that it hurts a hell of a lot more when you get your ass slapped."
"Is it hot here? Yes you bastard, we live here"
» Philidelphia, PA (Credit: Aviva)
At the end, John wished everyone a happy Thanksgiving and said, "I hope you're in love. If not, I hope you're faking it awesome."
» Pittsburgh, PA
"We'll have lots of beautiful babies." At the end of the encore.
"I shit you not. That man was Martin Sexton." Talking about singers who inspire him.
"Now that's f***ing teamwork." After the audience had sung a full verse to "No Such Thing" by themselves.
"Every guy wants a girl and a relationship with f***in' real trust. So much trust that I could call her up and be like, 'there was some hot ass in the audience today' and she'll be like 'oh yeah?' and I'll be like 'oooooh yes'. Every guy wants a girl that can appriciate hot ass." Right before singing "Love Song For No One"
"There are some really beautiful girls in the front row tonight. But they're young. They're young." Two girls throw their bras at John - "And very well developed, too!"
After seeing a billboard for Cumberland Farms, John said "15 years ago, me and my brother, Ben, used to walk to Cumberland Farms and get those, uh, bubblegum candy cigarettes and pretend we were high. I guess now people smoke weed. ...And they still pretend they're high..."
"Has a girl ever shut you out of her life and you start to envy the inanimate objects in her life, like a hairbrush, it gets to touch her, but you don't"
"I feel tired, but happy, really happy, It's like I've just had sex"
"The encore is just an excuse for all the pussies here to leave early so they dont get caught in traffic...shit i think I just called half of the paying customers pussies..oh well"
» San Diego, CA (Credit: Nicki)
(Making fun of Maroon5) She will be loved..and she will be loved...but first she'll be highly medicated and then she will be loved..."
"Oh good, I've been using toothpaste, actually" after a fan handed him a bottle of massage oil.
"I appreciate your enthusiasm Saratoga, but that's, that's a lot of words", after Johns guitarist suggested the crowd sing the chorus to "shining star"
"So lately I've had some interviewers ask me when I started to play blues, and I would say when do I play blues? and they would go on about how come back to bed is a blues song..No it's not, Bitch this is a blues song!" Breaks into a 5 minutes blues solo
"It's nice to look at all these beautiful girls and think to myself 'hey! I'm not gay!' "
» Sydney, Australia 4/17/04 (Credit: Mya)
Looking into the audience and how far up the crowd went he asked "aren't you guys scared sitting that far up? You can touch the ceiling"... then being cheeky added "even my balls are lifting up in my sack just looking up that far"!
Right before "No Such Thing", "I dedicate this song to myself...the coolest motherf**cker from Fairfield, Connecticut."
» Waltham, MA (Credit: Memtree)
A fan screams "I want your babies" JM: "You realise, that's what I'm talking about! You got a girl, she's probably gorgeous screaming "I want your babies". I promise you if I was standing in front of you...sporting the condom right in front of you...like this...and I was like "ok, let's do it", you'd totally run away and you'd tell all your friends I was just a bastard. I'm telling you, you don't want my babies. There's sex involvement in there. Now think about the point A to the point B, to the point C section."
"Between every song I keep looking down and thinking 'shit I should tie my shoe!' but you know I'm not gonna because I dont wanna stop the momentum, I gotta keep the pace, i mean i shouldn't even be talking about tying shoes, it has nothing to do with playing a rock show! But you know I like it, I like it, left shoe untied...it's sexy."
"Sometimes I think I'm like a woman or something. You know all PMSy and shit. You know, when you're just not interested in sex for like 3 weeks at a time, and it's like here's a napkin, draw me a picture cause I just don't get it. And I just had that for the last 3 weeks or so, and I just wanted to let everyone know.... I'm back"
"And then you always dream about being famous. My dream was like, I would go to the mall and be too famous I'm going to have to leave...but now, you're never too famous. You're like a little bit famous, to like one person. And for everyone one person who knows me, there's like 10 who don't. So it's really embarrassing when someone comes up to you, there's like 4 more people behind going like (imitates a female) 'Who is he?' That is so weird! You see, 'Call the kids, find out who he is!' Then they come up 'Who are you? I saw the kids, they were going crazy! Who are you?'...It's so uncomfortable, it's like 'Nobody! I'm Jason Mraz, move on'"
They asked him if it is true that he signs things "your body is a taco stand" He said that is true, he has never autographed anything "your body is a wonderland". "You wanna know why, you wanna know why, you wanna know why? Because John Mayer ain't no BITCH".
About Top Gun: "There was a shadowy tongue kiss that, as a kid, gave me a tingly feeling, and I didn't know what it was. I still don't - what was it?"
» Launch.com interview (Credit: Amy)
"Most girls who scream 'i love you I wanna have your baby' are screaming that in a more recreational, kinda like sportsman spectator way, and if you were like 'i don't have a condom,' you know, they'd run."
» Star Magazine November 2003 Issue (Credit: Amy)
John on ambition- "I've had that feeling with me my whole life, that feeling of 'I'll show you.'
"[My fans] are probably the people who had to bounce around to a couple of different lunch tables before they found one they could sit at. Not because they were strange, but because they were just a little ahead of their time. And I'm onstage being paid to tell him, "It's OK, I'm with you."
"I'm looking for my ideal soul mate. That is somebody who is confident enought to feel love at a moment when love is not being given. A lot of times, I feel like I'm on the road to support a family I don't even have yet. I don't have to tour as much as I do, but I want to for that future family."
Still, the currently single crooner admits he has a short attention span when it comes to romance. "If Ritalin would make me love the same girl for a long time, point me to the nearest CVS."
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exhausted